Monday, April 23, 2007
 | OUCH - WHAT'S BEEN A HAPPENING WITH ME I haven't been on for a while so I thought I'd get on and whine. I went to the doctor last Tuesday and after a very uncomfortable search was told, "You have a hernia and lovely brown eyes". I then stumbled out of the office with a surgery date of Friday the 20th. I was stunned and a bit nervous. Well everything went ok and it turned out I had 2 hernias and lovely brown eyes, 1 was there at birth and finally just "blossomed" and #2 was working it's way out....I guess too many deep squat thrusts will do it to you. Now here is my whine...my f*ing crotch hurts! I had to remove my magical ball of dope yesterday. Actually Dawn removed it because I couldn't see it and although it didn't hurt and it was easy to do, I know it was the same as asking her to cut of my little finger or any other surgical procedure. That's true love for you! So anyways this ball is set to give me magical medicine every hour for about 50 hours. On top of that I also get some pain meds that are pretty good, but I'm starting to think advil would be just as good but only for one reason. I can't sleep on those pain pills. I sorta fade in and out, but I haven't actually slept much at all. It's more like time traveling...I'm doing something then it's 20 minutes later and I have no clue what just happened. It is very annoying to wake up every 20 to 40 minutes all night long. Although I don't feel totally exhausted so I must be doing something right. Now here is the worst part. At 2:30 in the morning yesterday I woke up with hiccups...that's right the affliction of all 10 year olds everywhere who need to be on ridlin, or however you spell it. Those bastards lasted til 4:00. They were so bad my wife woke up and tried to help me get rid of them like she does when Hunter gets them, although hearing Batman isn't my real father didn't scare me half as bad as it does him!:) After a few minutes of her helping I found myself having to lean over, kiss her on the head and apologize for leaving because there was a good chance one of us wasn't going to make it out of that room if I heard her say "shhhh" one more time. I was past the point of calm. I did greet her at 3:50 in the kitchen. I grabbed a kitchen knife and presented it to her, begging her to stab me in the chest. Anything to get it to stop. 10 minutes later a wall of pure hatred finally beat those air bubbles down and this "gentle giant" slept. Lucky for me, the meds give me crazy dreams when I do sleep so I can be on edge when I wake up. Hunter woke me up at 7:00, minutes after Dawn left. He startled the ever-living shite out of me and guess what...that's right the hiccups started immediately. I could have cried, but I didn't. No I got up turned on cartoons for my son, started the shower for myself, bit my lip to hold off the pain of a new hernia free day and curled into a ball and sucked my thumb until the water was at a temperature I could handle. Just kidding...but I'm not. So in the shower after both begging and threatening God, the evil hiccups stopped. Too bad I don't know which one I was doing when they relented, but really we all know it had to have been pity that spared me, right? I'm going to say no, I think he paused me to round up JC and the boys because really nothing is more funny than a man days after surgery with a handful of hours of sleep dealing with the hiccups as he tried to shower for the first time by himself since he was sliced open. They came back minutes later. I had them for another hour before, as I was leaving the house with Hunter, God took pity on me and they left for good, crossing my fingers. I have a follow up appointment with the doc on Thursday, my birthday, and I wonder if he'll be able to explain why I only seem to get a fever when I take the pain medicine and what the burning pain that flashes through my lower thigh now and then is, but most importantly why they shaved "Harry Potter rocks!" on my crotch when everyone knows The Ring is King! |
drained 
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